When life hits the brakes...

Learning to deal with uncertainties in a year of bewilderment

I am stunned! A month ago, the doctors were still confident. The chemo was working. And now .... ?!?!! But not done. The end. Over. Torn from life. At the age of 61. At a stage in her life when she had only taken the plunge into self-employment a few years ago. Full of enthusiasm and confidence, she wanted to pass on all her expertise. She was so full of hope.

For me, 2022 will go down in history as the year of bewilderment.

I am stunned by

• the horrific violence and the terrible escalations in the war in Ukraine.
• Massive oppression and humiliation of one gender. Of 50% of the human population. And not only in Iran and Afghanistan.
• the dreadful bad news about rising inflation, galloping energy prices, situations that threaten our very existence.

It wasn't just the media coverage that shook me to the core. It was also the sad and extraordinary news from friends, colleagues and relatives.

A stroke followed by a long and arduous rehabilitation. Recreational accident with subsequent vegetative state. Sudden death from a heart attack during a family vacation. Death after a short, serious bout of cancer. Separation.

Now that the days are getting shorter and colder. The trees are bare. The fog drifts over the land. It becomes quiet.

In life too. The voice fails.

And then it goes round and round.

No stone is left unturned.

Fixed, cherished elements of my life dissolve. Blur. Reassemble themselves. Many things change, especially my attitude. My attitudes.

The hamster wheel comes to an abrupt halt. The movement continues. The centrifugal forces make you fall on your face. Ouch! End of the fight by technical knockout.

When the ground is pulled out from under your feet ... then:

Rigor mortis. Speechlessness. The soul trembles. Grief finds its way. Tears flow. Anger comes up. Panic spreads. The body rebels. The heart stumbles. Sleep is out of the question. The stomach tightens. The neck tenses up. Yawning emptiness inside.

Is there any hope?

But ... is that what I want?

I recently came across a saying card:

"It always jolts a little when life shifts into the next gear." I would also be happy with a "can it be a little less?" ...

As an entrepreneur and to protect my family and my customers, it's important for me to be prepared. Armed for the worst-case scenario.

My children know what to do if I am "out of order". The emergency kit is packed. Preparing this, thinking about it, considering it, sharing my thoughts with my family - that was difficult. An almost insurmountable challenge. We walked the path together. In the end, it was a relief because it is now clear where I want to go when ...

But my life plan is still that I'll be dancing with all my kids and my favorite person for my 90th birthday. Cheerful, content, full of energy, with a mischievous streak in my neck.